Thailand - Working My Way Back To You: Blog

Living A Dream

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 03:27:44 -0500

Sometimes in life if you are really lucky, a chance comes along to live a dream. When it does come, you've got to grab it with both hands and whatever you do don't let go. When I was near to school leaving age my thoughts were turned towards deciding on a choice of career. My dreams of being a professional footballer would never happen, I was not good enough. My love of sport then swayed me to consider a life in sports journalism, my father chose otherwise. British Rail and engineering were a far cry from Wembley Stadium and a clash with the auld enemy.
Late Friday night there was a loud banging on the back door. I opened the door and there swaying in front of me was Khun Somchai the Sports Editor of our village newspaper " The Thaksin Times ". He had obviously been drinking the ink jet cleaning fluid because his speech was some what impaired. Wonderful Wi listened intently then rushed off to the bathroom and then onto the kitchen fridge. She returned and handed over to Khun Somchai a bottle of toilet cleaner and a lemon. He staggered off knowing we shopped at Tesco Lotus and he'd be having a quality drink in his office tomorrow. Wi relayed to me the wonderful news. The newspapers Muay Kai (cock fighting) reporter had broken flight and gone to roost somewhere in Khon Khaen. My services were required to cover tomorrows big fight. A chance to live my boyhood dream had fallen into my lap. A restless nights sleep followed, I kept waking up and wondering if I had sharpened my pencil to an adequate length and point. My notebook cover was red, hardly a neutral colour. Would my Vivitar 8010 camera cope with the high speed multi coloured action or would springs pop and thick black smoke follow. A restless night indeed. The venue was no Theatre of Dreams but the Village Mud Bowl was the districts biggest sporting arena and affectionately known as the North Eastern Nou Camp. The fight billed as " Blood In The Mud " was a sell out and no wonder, two sporting Muay Kai Greats would lock beaks and fight it out for the New Year Papaya Salad Plate. In the red corner would perch Udon Thani's unbeaten local village boy wonder Uuuuuuuuuudon the Dancing Demon. In the yellow corner, prim and properly perched, the rich kid flown in by business class from Bangkok, the all conquering Pppppppppppaddy the Pad. Two contrasting styles from very different backgrounds, a rich kid versus rice boy contest that would only end with one winner. I arrived 30 minutes early, paid the samlor driver and hurried to the respective dressing rooms, I intended to interview both fight managers. Both interviews bore no fruit. Udon's manager knew only four recognizable English words, Lao Khao, Sang Som, cigarettes and Leo, the latter meaning beer or he also owned a Lion. The Pad's manager wanted 500 baht for his efforts, a village journalists expenses do not stretch that far. Ten minutes later the action started.

Hoo Don reporting live from the Mud Bowl, Ban Norn Chad, Udon Thani. Both birds were immediately locked in a tight clinch, Paddy scoring heavily with pecks to the wings as Udon tried to break free and dance his way out of distance of the Bangkok boy's greater reach. The sell out crowd were in a frenzy with the smaller contingent of Paddy supporters making their voices heard above Udon's noisy fans. Udon came fighting back with a solid wing hook that stopped the determined Paddy in his tracks. Cries of " Udon, Udon, Udon" rocked the packed arena. Then my telephone rang. It was my mother, ringing from England. Mother:Stop what you are doing now. Our house is surrounded by Anti Bird Sport Protesters wearing duck billed coloured t shirts. They have staked your father to the garden lawn and are tickling him around the rib cage with imitation turkey feathers. Stop it Hoo Don. Stop it. Sports Journalist: Mother I am sorry but nothing and I mean nothing can come between me and my story. I'm a sports journalist now............. ring me back if they start on his feet......brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Back to the action and it's pretty rough stuff but fairly even. Only legends produce moments worth the entrance money alone. Udon raised his right wing high in the air, showing the red highlights of his feathers, a show of his true colours. He dipped his left wing and it gently caressed the sacred Mud Bowl soil. His clawed feet became a blur, the Udon Shuffle, worth five baht of any one's money. The crowd are cock a hoop or perhaps cock a doodle, and then it all happened. A moment like Cooper against Clay, the Maradona "Hand of God", Geoff Hurst"s disputed World Cup Final goal, all of a sudden it happened. As the referee shouted break Udon nutted, sorry beaked Paddy, with a clearly deliberate illegal blow. The Pad was sparko and the referee counted him out. All hell broke loose with the Pads's supporters shouting " Fowl."

A large scrum followed and the outnumbered Padddy supporters retreated to the village main street Soi Buffalo and squatted on the dirt track. A splinter group then sealed off the arena car park. There would be nothing moving in or out of this village tonight. The village economy could be ruined. Papaya salad without chillies, two chickens and their loyal supporters had brought a village to it's knees. I woke up on the living room sofa, my head still spinning from an afternoon ride on a carousel sponsored by Beer Chang. Had I dreamt it all or had I lived my dream, my Vivitar would surely reveal all. The blurred images were conclusive, I had captured a Great Sporting Moment and the closure of a village to the outside World. Every great sports journalist fully milks the props he imports, milk, wring and bleed dry, so I will finish. Take some ink jet cleaner, domestos and empty into a bowl. Immerse your Vivitar 8010 and ignite. Don't be a lemon all your life, buy a decent camera and view a clearer image of your world. Hoo Don Feathered Footnote Any Anti Bird Sport Protesters can email me at eggsforbreakfastchickenfortea@thaisabai.org Pack your suitcase but leave out your rules.

Being Frank - Regrets I've Had A Few

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:07:05 -0500

Now, the end is near; And so I face the final curtain. My friend, I'll say it clear, I'll state my case, of which I'm certain. I've lived a life that's full. I've traveled each and every highway; And more, much more than this, I did it my way.

I've always regretted an incident that happened on my very first trip to Thailand. I was staying in Pattaya and I'd been seeing a bar girl for about two weeks. Early one evening she was working at her bar and I was nearby in my hotel sleeping off an afternoons drinking session.
I was woken by a gentle tapping on my hotel room door. On answering, I was met by the sight of six badly clothed Thai adults and four equally distastefully attired children. Having not long returned from a holiday in Bulgaria where I had seen a fair few gypsies my mind somehow associated the Thai entourage with the Bulgarian travelling people.
Regrets, I've had a few; But then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do. And saw it through without exemption. I planned each charted course; Each careful step along the byway, But more, much more than this, I did it my way.
I was greeted with some rapid fire Thai to which I returned "No thank you I don't want to buy anything." Another rapid fire burst came from the elder adult and I replied back louder and in a more terse tone " Just bloody well bugger off or I'll call the hotel manager," and slammed the door shut rather loudly.
I made a mental note for the next morning to buy a gallon of milk and a big bucket, because it must of taken a hell of a lot of cats to drag that lot up three flights of stairs. I went back to my bed and nodded off again feeling pretty pleased that I'd seen off the Thai version of the wooden clothes peg sellers.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew. When I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out. I faced it all and I stood tall; And did it my way.
A much louder banging noise replaced the slight tapping one to wake me again a little while later. I hurried to my hotel room door, wrenched it open and was about too bellow at the top of my voice "Why don't you lot bugger off and leave me alone," when I noticed a very familiar bar girl stood there on her own. The following conversation took place. Me: Hello there darling, I was coming to see you soon. Cute bar girl: Why you angry too much. Me: I'm not angry, I'm happy to see you. Cute bar girl: My family knock your door and they say you look angry too much.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried. I've had my fill; my share of losing. And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing. To think I did all that; And may I say - not in a shy way, No, oh no not me, I did it my way.
Showered and dressed I headed down in the hotel lift to the bar and restaurant area. I was met with the sight of 12 very quiet Thai people and one confused cute bar girl sat patiently waiting for me. When you've dug yourself a hole this deep or in this case a well, only a few thousand baht and a good meal can sought it. I've always regretted that incident. Over the following two years the cute bar girl turned out to be one heck of a lady and her family not quite John Boy and the Walton's, but nonetheless really nice people. Regrets I've had a few. I'll leave it at that and hand you back over to Frank.
For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught. To say the things he truly feels; And not the words of one who kneels. The record shows I took the blows. And did it my way!
Sorry about the grey text between the marvellous words. My apologies to Paul Anka and Frank Sinatra but I just had to do it my way, I couldn't help it. Credits My Way lyrics written by Paul Anka Photograph Frank Sinatra & Gene Kelly by � sugarbarre Photograph Frank Sinatra by � hiker083

Dog Tired

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 16:48:19 -0600
Yesterday battling against heavy rain and winds gusting up to 90 miles per hour I made it home from work at the end of my three day 12 hour shift rota. Feeling fairly down in the dumps with the UK weather, I was feeling a little more upbeat health-wise as my recent cold and chest infection seemed to be finally subsiding. I picked up a cold during my last week in Thailand and boarding my flight home I seemed to have rid myself of the cold cum virus. Arriving back to the UK and into icy weather conditions my cold quickly returned with a vengeance, forming a kind of cross cultural super bug . My nine full days back in England have been filled with seven 12 hour work shifts leaving me feeling very tired and in need of another holiday. As I wonder what today and it's forcasted chilly gale force winds will do to my ebbing morale and fading tan, my mind constantly drifts back to Thailand and the warm climate it now embraces. Drifting back to the village life and the luxuries that a small fistful of Thai baht bring. The herdsman taking his cattle out to graze often pops into our village garden and sits with me for a few minutes by our fishing pond. We talk in our different languages and point at the goldfish, not understanding anything of what the other has said. Today I miss that misunderstanding. I miss the old lady with her young grandchild and their early morning visits to see Wonderful Wi. The old lady and Wilai talk as the small child wanders amongst the flowers and trees, finally kneeling down to watch the goldfish in the pond, ever hopeful for some chocolate or sweets. I really do miss that quiet hour late at night, just my Jack Daniel, cigarettes and me. The Bangkok Post and a smoke, JD and coke, peace and quiet on a toxin diet, now just memories for me. I've telephoned Wi everyday since coming home and a few days back she told me some good news. Her search for a puppy dog has now ended with the arrival of Cola a small tubby black and white bundle of mongrel. Wi is delighted with her new friend Cola who has quickly got into the routine of trying to hinder Wi with her garden chores. Wi's last puppy Nin, unfortunately choked to death about three years ago and I'm hoping this new pup turns out to be more of a coca than choker Cola. The one who is best avoided even in a good mood, Mama, hardly made a mention in my holiday blogs. Mama was in amazingly high spirits throughout my ten day stay in the village, never once slipping into her "Beast of the East" mode. Since my return to the UK the beast has resurfaced and Wi now fears another attempted coup. Mother and daughter have been warring continually since my return home. My last telephone call to the battlefield revealed a complete breakdown in communications had occurred between the two, with young Cola having firmly allied his fat butt to the Wilai camp. The "War of Silence" will probably continue for a day or two but if the coup is coming, it'll come soon. Today I have got a well needed day off work and I'll have a few beers this afternoon and watch some football. A full 12 hour shift of overtime waits for me tomorrow as I work my way towards a late April Thailand break....... Until then it's just memories for me.

A Steal And A Free Meal

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 17:00:03 -0600

Life in the village has apparently been quite eventful over the past week. Deep in the heart of Udon Thani Province, where Thaksin Shinawatra is still revered by most people, and talking about a farang behind his back in hushed tones is outdated, the 21st century chic chick likes her analysis to take place just beyond your toenails. The country life of Udon Thani, where you are met at every turn with a stare and every ninth syllable you hear is, far, followed by ang and you had better believe how much I'm missing it.

My girlfriend Wonderful Wi has been telling me of a sad, exciting and rather fruitful past seven days in our village district. A dogknapping, an Isaan music festival and some small cash donations as the race to be the next District Mayor heats up. A village that is normally more sleepy than a soi dog after a square meal, seems to be springing to life just in time for my Christmas visit.

Wi had been patiently waiting for the arrival of Panda the puppy for nearly a month, and had undertook regular visits to the house of her friend's grandmother to coo and woo young Panda. A trip to see Panda last week was interrupted by the arrival of the grandmothers relatives from outside of Udon and Wi spent the next hour watching helplessly as the grandson cuddled and smothered young Panda to one pant from his death.

On her next visit the following day the grandmother frantically explained that Panda was missing, a pupnapping had occurred, with the finger of suspicion pointing in the direction of the young grandson. A series of phone calls to her friend who is working at a nursery school in Bangkok have so far failed to negotiate the release of the kidnapped pup.

Since the disappearance Wi has adopted a "mai phen rai" stance, when I know deep down it has broken her heart. Why do Thai people take this mai phen rai approach to such a wide range of things when a farang would have a good old blubber and then get on with their life. Beyond me.

Being the kind and caring visitor to the Land of Smiles that I am, in a moment of weakness I told Wi that in the new year we will go to Udon Thani and purchase a carbon copy, even smells exactly the same, spitting image of Panda. A couple of tablets and a good drink later I am starting to think something a little cheaper might help spread my holiday money that little bit further. A good old stray mongrel and some black and white paint should do it, when she gets over the paint fumes, she'll love him to bits.

On Tuesday an Isaan music night was held in the local town just three kilometres from our village. Wi squeezed as many of her young nieces onto her motorbike as was possible and I can imagine they set off showing a mass of grinning white teeth and flowing black hair. A noisy and enjoyable evening of music and dancing, intermingled with the occasional fix of chili peppered food was slightly tarnished when the night finished with the customary youth gang punch up.

Candidates for the office of District Mayor have been trampling the dusty village streets this week armed with good hearts and a little spare cash to spend before their November 29th election fate. If their election campaign speeches were not enough to convince the lao khao muddled minds of some of the villagers then a little cash can go a long way to sobering the thoughts in some peoples heads. Donations were changing hands from 50 baht upwards to a whopping 300 baht and the money was offered to help pay for a little coffee and food. How kind and sweet. Without divulging identities, I know of one young lady who up to yesterday had recieved 1100 baht in food aid payments and was expecting a last minute stampede of baby kissing electoral candidates. That amount of food and coffee would be enough to turn this particularly lean young woman into a caffein enriched Sumo wrestler who'd look like she hadn't slept for a week. Life in the village is definitley looking up and I cannot wait to get there. Hoo Don

Credits Photograph Panda� Vertes Edmond Mihai | Dreamstime.com

The University Of Rocket Science

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 11:48:30 -0600
There are certain employment opportunities in life I would prefer to avoid, others I would like to grasp with tightly clenched white knuckled hands and ones that just bloody well annoy me. At my tender age I can thankfully excuse any career openings in the art of transporting bricks up ladders to someone earning twice my wage. My longing for a career in some alcohol enriched tabloid world is on a comparison with Rebecca Loos prospects of ever becoming Victoria Beckham's PR secretary. That just leaves bloody well annoys me. I was browsing the net this morning and stumbled on or perhaps stumbled over, yet another University Researchers compilation and it bloody well annoyed me.

The City University of London pay a salary in excess of �20000 to their Research and Analogous Staff and whilst the article I read was not related to them it does give some idea of the salaries being paid somewhere within these research programs. The article was compiled by an Oxford University research team and before you burst out your door and run down the soi shouting "I am going home to work in Anal Research," scaring the hell out of your fellow farang neighbours, please take a look at the wasted money spent to produce the assembled fonts below.

The Top 10 Irritating Expressions 1 At the end of the day 2 Fairly unique 3 I personally 4 At this moment in time 5 With all due respect 6 Absolutely 7 It's a nightmare 8 Shouldn't of (instead of shouldn't have) 9 24/7 10 It's not rocket science

Oxford University Researchers you have bloody well asked for this and here it comes........If you have any fairly unique comments to make about the Top 10 Irritating Expressions List then please enter them in the comments box below. The comments box is open 24/7 but at the end of the day, with all due respect,it is entirely your choice. It's not rocket science

Shattered Dreams

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:20:30 -0600
Many a man has found himself high above Bangkok heading for a connecting flight en route to his homeland, wondering how to fill three or four hours at a busy airport with fifty or so baht and a credit card that possibly kick started the World credit crunch. A visa card that is as much use as a packet of Cup A Soups in a desert and a mastercard whose 16 digit number is more representative of the days it will take to settle the bill. When you have spent more money in one month than a busker can make at the gates of a holiday camps 1970's Music Revival Week, it's going to be a long and lonely trip home.

After a holiday revisiting their youth, dazzled by the neon lights and pretty bar girls, how many farang have wanted to unscrew the hotel bathroom mirror after one last admiring look at their youthful, alcohol and nicotine replenished skin tone, wrap it in the Bangkok Post and take it home. There is no better moisturizer about than the sweet cream of a bar girls compliments. Back home and into reality, they discover their new found youth lasts about the same time span as their credit card limit. Mounting bills and cider bottles, their little money soon lies in a council estate graffiti covered bottle bank. Shattered Dreams.

A few years back I was sat in the Bodega Bar, 2nd Road, Pattaya. A Londoner came in and we got talking, he was middle aged and appeared a touch flash right from the off. I was on roughly my 20th trip to Thailand and in total had spent over two years of my life there but still considered myself to be climbing Thailands learning curve. This was his second visit and he had inhaled the Land of Smiles air for less than a month of his life. After the introductory quick summaries of our lives he then went on to advise me on how to go about my life in Thailand. On and on, he talked the talk, he thought he knew it all. He was going into business with his Thai girlfriend, known her one week, buying some apartments together, only one million baht each, signing the papers tomorrow. No problem just scammed the bank and credit cards. Later that night I could not each much because my insides were hurting from holding in my laughter during that lunchtime drink. I never did see him again, maybe he's doing well, I doubt it.

How can you stop the credit crunch. I have alwayssaid Thailand will make you or break you, I think it is starting to make me but the jury's still out. It has broken and will continue to break many a man far worthier than me. Credit cards are just one of many things that can mold, shape and break somebodies Thailand prospects. Bank loans are an obvious choice for someone wanting a quick fix back to Thailand but long term they can come back and bite you. In my early years I returned home to England penniless on most occasions. Now I have learnt that to harbour any hope of a more permanent berth in Thailand you have got to pack a little common sense inside your suitcase. Common sense starts with keeping your emotions at arms length when first meeting that "special" bar girl. A mixture of emotion and money is potentially as explosive as Molotov and cocktail. The easiest solution to your money running out is to stop it happening in the first place, land, get to your destination and unpack a little common sense. Remember alcohol is a depressant but being sober and broke on the fourth day of your vacation is an even bigger one.

I have got a friend and we will call him for arguments sake, Larry, why call him Larry, because he's bigger than me. Larry went to Thailand for the first time around two years ago. He met a bar girl in Pattaya and then started to send her money from England each month. No problem with that so far. Her mother lived up north but his girlfriend wanted to stay in Pattaya, a few months later she had gone to Holland, to visit a male friend for three months. A year into their relationship and my friend has bought her gold, the monthly payments are fortnightly, his credit cards are out of control, phone calls are answered from beer bars, deep in the early hours of the morning. His answer is to bring her to England on a six month visa, she insists she will only come if he gives her money. Credit card, more debt. I was out shopping in my local English town about one month ago, I saw them together, said hello, thought that's good they seem happy together. I saw Larry one week back, deep scratch marks down his face and neck, she had attacked him, she was still staying at his home, he was staying at his mates. A credit card won't buy you love. Leave home without it.

Unless you are born rich or get lucky then you will have to work for everything you want from life and that includes Thailand. The two stories included above do not paint Thai ladies in a very good light but that is by no means a generalization by me. Those of you travelling to Thailand in the near future on your first trip or if you are a relatively new visitor to the Land of Smiles, even amongst the bar girls of Pattaya you will find a lot more good than bad. Finally those of you who insist on taking your credit cards with you on your next vacation, remember that like a dog, credit cards are not just for Christmas. Hoo Don

On The Road To Ruin

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:49:07 -0600
The only difference between a man who walks slowly uphill and a man who walks quickly downhill is the soles of their shoes wear in different places. Every man walks for a reason.

I am going to take you back to the village once more today, sorry about that, you were probably hoping for an evening stroll in Pattaya, well life sucks sometimes. The fresh air might do you some good. Most of Wonderful Wi's family live in the village, Thai villages seem to be like that. Wi's mama is the head of the family which seems a touch strange to me because she does not appear to have a pot shaped piece of porcelain to pass water in (try saying that after a couple of JD's). Head of the family is not entirely true because inside the walled rai that is the glint in Wi's eye, our house, she is definitely Wi's back up singer.

Mama is a decent lady but it appears to me that she can get out on the wrong side of the bed more times than she gets in it. When the black mist descends mamas shadow is the charred pixels no member of the family wants to be stood on. She does not rule by fear, more by decibels and you need to be a fairly cool customer to let it all go over your head. Enter Aunt Awn and Uncle Boon. Awn is a real cool lady, early 40's, a tireless worker. Her main employment is at a food store in a small town three kilometres from our village, she also helps out in the family rice fields and vegetable plot. Guiding her teenage daughter through the flowering of womanhood and worrying over her unemployed 20 year old son are all part of her normal day. Mamas fluctuating moods are merely another chore in her working life.

Khun Boon or nong as I sometimes refer to him as he is a few months my junior at 48 years of age is mamas younger brother and married Awn in his mid twenties. Ex army, probably conscript, Boon had spent the previous five years or so taking their two cows and later one calf to graze each day until selling them at the back end of last year. Boon is a decent handyman and helps out with any minor tasks around our dwelling and for many years Boon has been working the family rice fields. In their life Boon wears the trousers to work but Awn definitely wears them at home. Khun Boon seems oblivious to mamas many mood swings having seen them all his life.

Now this brings me to the whole point about me writing this post, there is something I need to know. Last year Boon sold his cattle for about 16000 baht having walked them back and forth each day for five or so years. Many a day I saw Boon walk the cows past our house about nine in the morning and they would return about five, a round trip of roughly one and a half kilometres. Everyday for five years in the searing heat and at times the pouring rain, he walked them cows over 2700 goddamn kilometres. If someone said to me walk these two cows and this small calf 2700 kilometres and I will give you 300 quid , well, my answer would be very short, in need of sugar and there would not be a handshake at the end of it.

I really do want to know what possessed him to do it. Five years manual work on the lowest wage would have netted him at least ten times his money. I asked Wi why he did it and she just laughed and said she had no idea. I quizzed Boon as to why he trod the endless path and he either did not understand the question or I misunderstood the answer, if you understand what I mean. So come on, there has got to be one of you out there who can enlighten me because I really do want to know. Better still if someone is out there now watching over Khun Boon or nong as I sometimes cows, with their laptop wedged between Khun Boon or nong as I sometimesrear end cheeks and using her tail as a cooling fan, please log on to this site and leave the answer in the box below. See I told you the country air would do you some good. Thanks and have a good day. Hoo Don

Puppy Love

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:38:19 -0600
Earlier today I telephoned my girlfriend Wonderful Wi at our house in Thailand. I had realized this morning after reading through my recent blog entries that I had not mentioned our village life for some time, today I intend to put that right as it is such an important part of my life.

I live and work in England and visit Thailand three times a year spending about two months out of the twelve there. Four years ago I paid for a house to be built for Wi in her village in Udon Thani, North East Thailand. In the 48 months since I have had no regrets about that decision. Wonderful Wi has been truly wonderful.

My next visit to Thailand is scheduled for mid December and the time will be spent in our village and also visiting Udon Thani, Nongkhai and Loei, I am really looking forward to that. I suppose if I put all my shekels on the table right now then I could probably spend the next few years or so in Thailand but I need a whole lot longer than that. Each day that I work in England stretches those few years a little bit more. Putting together life's jigsaw in North East Thailand, let me explain, I have paid for the box, now I need to work for the pieces. I believe that in a few years time I can buy that elusive final jigsaw piece. In life you have got to believe.

Wi lives at our village home with her mother but I'll return to their relationship later. I telephone Wi most days and those days are spent by her working in our lovely garden, shredding papaya to conjure another eye watering spicy salad and watching her beloved Thai TV soaps. Add on looking after her cherished fishing pond and fortnightly 65 kilometer shopping treks to Udon Thani and her days are well and truly filled. Recently however she has hinted at a void that needs to be plugged in her daily life.

Wi wants the pitter patter of tiny feet to be heard around our house, well to be precise, paws. Wi wants a puppy. She wants a mutt to drag his butt all over our garden. No problem. I quite like the idea even though we have been down that road before. Four years or so ago when Wi stayed at her mothers house she got given a puppy by one of her friends. She named the cute little pup Nin (see photo below), within two months if you asked him to sawatdee he would sit on his haunches and raise his front paws, he was a clever little thing. For those of you who are squeamish please read the next sentence with your eyes shut. Nin was only about six months old when he died choking on his own vomit. You can open your eyes now. Wi had never wanted another dog since.

Another friend is giving her the puppy this time but what breed I still don't know, Wi's English is quite good nowadays but not adequate enough to converse in canine breeds. From what I can decipher the puppy will not grow that big and as for the breeding lets just say that its a well mixed salad. She has christened the pup Panda and he is due to arrive at our house at the end of this month, I'll look forward to seeing him Christmas. I have managed to persuade Wi to allow Panda to sleep at night in the kitchen for the first month but I've been told that in the New Year he has to bed down outside. Maybe a really nice Christmas present for Wi might extend his stay, I'll have to work on that one. Surprisingly Wi's mother has made no objections to the eagerly awaited arrival of our well mixed salad.

Wi and her mother or mama as she is sometimes affectionally known at times have a strained relationship due to mamas repeated attempts to gain control of the household. Since the often warring twosome moved into our home three and a half years ago mama has had many an attempted coup flattened in the early days of its uprising. Her last failed coup in June this year ended in a heavy verbal defeat followed by five days of silence. Wi is now under the impression that her mother has finally relinquished all hopes of ruling over the house with an iron fist dipped deep in Thailand's past. My personal inkling is that mama is planning one more coup d'etat, it could be a very messy and merry Christmas with mama and Panda around. Have a good day and stay your way. Hoo Don

The Rising Price Of Honey

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 12:27:37 -0500
Today brings the last day of October and here in England the weather has turned decidedly colder. Each morning over the past week I have woken up expecting to see snow falling outside, instead it's just cold and bleak and the only thing falling has been the British pound against the Worlds currencies. Last week the pound plummeted to a miserly exchange rate of 52 Thai baht, today recovering to a still unhealthy 56.4 baht to the pound. The 1997 Asian Financial Crisis saw British sterling hit a massive 90 baht before settling over the past ten years to a general range between 65 and 75 baht. The current low exchange rate will be sending shockwaves through Pattaya's pension funded British expat community, their Thai partners and the many bar girls who receive a monthly overseas handout.

Its good news for the cheaper airlines, their phonelines will buzz more often as the tourists start to look at ways of cutting costs and the Thai bus services should pull in the punters as some holiday makers give the more expensive taxi services a miss. Back in Pattaya and the expats will be searching out the happy hour bars to stretch their weekly allowance so as to maintain their daily alcohol fix. The monthly funded bar girls turned Pattaya WAGS (When Awake Go Shopping) will find many of their budgets credit crunched and shrunk. For the WAGS it could be goodbye to Big C's air conditioned boutiques and back to their old budget buster the stifling sweat filled sauna commonly known as Soi Buakhaow Market.

Are we going to see the working girls sat around the counter bars with a needle and thread making good their worn and tatty clothes, gone their days of gyrating and pouting on top of the bars down Soi 7 and 8. That scenario seems very unlikely bearing in mind those four famous Pattaya words "No money no honey."

It's going to be the poor farang who has to cut his cloth to allow his WAG to strut with the latest chic accessories. The farang will be the one with the hole in his shorts sat as far from the bar bell as possible and the soi's ashtrays and floor will be covered in ground out hand rolled tobacco butts instead of the more illustrious filter tipped farang cigarette. The Thai food stalls could have a new influx of pale skinned customers which could launch a new YouTube category "Eating With Chopsticks" and the new fashion could be the swimming pool replacing eight ball pool. Let us hope the pound strenghens over the next month or it could be lonely and cold this Christmas and I am talking Pattaya not England. Good night and God bless. Hoo Don.

It's A Wild World

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 07:13:31 -0500
My Little Oxford Dictionary records the following entry, Menagerie - collection of wild animals in captivity..... Back in the seventies the rock band Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel produced their Human Menagerie album, at the time I did not think it would take me thirty odd years to produce my own definement of those two beautifully scribed words.

Winter time and the big bird, that winged metal tube that hits the tarmac many times a day at Suvarnabhumi International Airport has inside the answer to all those thoughtful years.Visitors to Thailand come in many shapes and sizes, and I'm going to throw in guises because I need a little poetic justice after all this time. Christmas is coming and the airlines are getting fat, the Human Menagerie's assembling on Thailand's welcome mat.

Long before the big bird has landed the first of our species the Party Animal has long been in full flow knocking back the alcohol, the anaethetism will continue in good humour for the most part of their stay in Thailand. This particular breed is generally a harmless soul perhaps returning to see a regular girlfriend and almost certain to spend all his time and money in the bars of Pattaya or Bangkok's red light areas. The party animal is approachable and forever on hand to offer you his advice.

The Predator is next over the welcome mat. Normally hunting alone and often referred to as " butterfly " this beast can always be found in the same haunts as the party animal. Not generally known as a great socializer and ungenerous with advice this animal drifts from bar to bar bedding girls throughout his holiday. Unlikely to be a big drinker but very likely to be careful with his money, this mammal will always have one eye on any pretty lady wherever her commitment may lie.

The Family Herd, forever cherished and more than welcome to visit the Land Of Smiles at any time. Chiang Mai, Phuket or any of the numerous islands are the favoured grazing land of the Family Herd. Big on socializing, great listeners and fun to be around they are that early morning echo that resounds around the hotel corridor, lobby and breakfast room. A staple diet of sun, sea, swimming and snacks is enough to keep the parents and kids of the Family Herd happy, big spenders who spend with a smile they really are every hotel and tour reps dream.

The Rabbits are all mistletoe and wine with a "Just Married" sign, better known as the newly weds. The Rabbits will always be found on the islands, they smooch around in two's kissing, cooing and cuddling, inseparable with a stack of photo's for you to view if you slip up and leave the slightest seating space at your restaurant table. They are bubbly couples who are normally saving to buy their first warren and tend not to be the biggest spenders unless daddy's paid for the whole shindig. Can be rather noisy in their warren at night especially as they will be in the height of their mating season. Best left alone to their own daytime cooing and nocturnal vices.

The hairs gone grey and the stomachs fuller, past forty and divorced, perhaps always been single but the Old Show Pony turns twenty at Immigration Control. With a young bar girl on the end of his arm it's posing till closing for this normally very pleasant breed. The Old Show Pony is a kind hearted breed, very good company with a wealth of experience, a pleasant manner and a budget that attracts the more wily Thai bar girl. Predominately found in Pattaya and Bangkok the Old Show Pony will often take his young lady to an island to impress. Seeks love and attention which is acquired through the constant tapping of PIN numbers into ATM machines.

The saying goes "save the best to last" but I've broken the rule. The Wolf or to be more precise the Wolves because they hunt in packs are my least favoured visitors to my most favoured land. Easily recognized by their day time football shirts and cheap designer copy evening dress the Wolves are loud, boisterous and often rude, spending their whole holiday drinking until they drop. In their defense they do not generally sink to the depths of trouble and mayhem, although their general mannerisms and social behaviour leave much to be desired. They fit very snugly hand in hand with Pattaya and I refer to them as "Two Week Terrorists" because of their unruly behavior and lack of understanding towards the Thai ways and culture. They roam the bars in packs of three and upwards for the duration of their two week vacation. The Wolves descend on Pattaya every Christmas time and are best avoided.

The flying tin can does contain more good than bad but I hope you will not find yourself sat amongst the Two Week Terrorists during your flight to Thailand. The Human Menagerie will be coming to an airport near you very soon. Good luck and God bless the mess your airline ticket may put you in. Hoo Don.